Monday, June 30, 2008

MOTIVATION???!!! Anyone???

HELP! I need help getting motivated to clean this house. I mean, don't get me wrong, we in NO WAY live in filth, just clutter. I feel like I need a maid, but I am like Monica on Friends, and no body is touchin' my stuff LOL. Anyway...share your cleaning habits...I need a ritual, I need motivation!

I luh doo baba

I will FOREVER embed this in my head, as it is the FIRST sentence that my son has attempted, TWICE. I was with my mom after Tristan's therapy on Friday, he had an ok session, she said that he was quieter than usual..which is what we have been noticing too. We went to Fresh and Easy to pick up a few things for Dakota's Dog Party and I was letting him run down the aisle. I love how excited he gets when you chase him, he squeals and tries to run faster, in his Frankenstienesque way, all stiff legged and bogartish...but he tries. Well, I picked him up and was running really fast with him, bopping up and down and kissing him. He was laughing, then grabbed both sides of my face and plants a messy kiss on my face. If anyone has recieved a Tristan kiss it is a unique experience for sure, open mouth, no puckering, usually soft and slow motion. Well, this one was over and over..then, he says it..."I luh doo baba"....WHAT??? Did he? I mean, was that? Wait a minute....I look at my mom and she has eyes as wide as a deer in headlights, then I bop him up and down again, he squeals and says "I luh doo baba"...translation, I LOVE YOU MAMA. My heart melts, a few tears swelter and I respond, "I love you too bubbub, so much."

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Happy Birthday Dakota!!!

We love you buddy! Dakota turned 10 on the 20th of June, and we celebrated in a BIG way with a Dog Party this weekend. Overall we had 5 Weimeraners and a little pup here to play!!! Thanks to everyone that showed and brought gifts for Dakota! We hope you all had fun. Here are some pics to tickle your funny bone.

WHY the face??? Anywhere, but the face!

So, as we all know, Tristan's balance is a bit off key...*see concussion discussions earlier this year LOL*. Anyway, today we went to the other side of town to deliver a writing desk, since we were over there, we decided to take a stroll through IKEA. All was well, Tristan was having a blast as was Trinity, then, we go to the kiddie section. Again, both kids doing fine, that is, until the irresistable, inflatable, fuzzy turtle...little t couldn't resist, runs over, all bogartish, and ejects himself off the turtle and head first onto a platform that IKEA stupidly placed to display 2 tables. I mean, who in their RIGHT mind takes plywood, paints it yellow, stacks it on a platform and puts CHILDREN'S furniture on the kiddie to the irresistable, inflatable, fuzzy damn turtle? I am at a loss for the stupidity...truly.

It looked like he was ok...I thought he was ok, passed him off to daddy and noticed the blood dripping from his brow. Shannon and I both thought it was just a scrape until I saw the gooey had now escalated from a scrape, past a cut, and straight into the "wound" category..shit. As calmly as I can, I scoop up Tristan and Trinity, with the help of Shannon and his brother, find the closest bright yellow shirted employee that I could and let them know that we need SOMETHING now. Upon meeting us in the bathroom they try to stick a regular ole' bandaid on it...I advised that possibly a butterfly strip would be more appropriate??? He comes back with a HUGE band-aid, the ones that you use for hand wounds, and I again state that we should probably wait until the paramedics arrive...I would hate to apply that honkin' thing just to have to rip it's the eye we are talking about afterall.

The paramedics were fast, but not exactly the brightest bulbs in the barn. They asked "has he been acting funny?" referring to how he was running around from one thing to the next....a Tristan trait that we can thank autism for. I informed them that he is autistic, and that he normally behaves this way. They write it down. Then, the lady tries to do her job, see if he is aware, they call it "Orienting him times 3..." but with kiddos, they ask "What color is this? What number is this? Can you show me the circle?" That kind of stuff...but, those are not questions you ask a 23 month old with I stated before....and you wrote it down...on your paper...that you are looking at right now while you ask my son what number he is standing on.

They tell us that he needs stitches and they can ambulence us to the nearest hospital...stretcher is ready. NO THANKS. He is not loosing blood. That ambulence ride would scare the SHIT out of him...that stretcher would traumatize the crap out of him...then, he would probably hit his head somewhere else and cause a concussion, knowing our luck. SO...we took him to the Urgent Care facility closer to home. They wanted to do stitches, but, I pushed the steri strips / butterfly closures instead. Can you imagine stitches on your eye area??? YUCKAS. And, the scar?? No thanks. We had to hold him down, that was horrible.

At the end of this EVERLASTING BLOG, I can say that he is doing fine now, has a nasty cut that will leave a sweet ass scar, but he is good, and I am glad that it is over. I will post pics in the morning. He seriously looks like a boxer.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Isn't it amazing how that one song can transform your current state of mind?? I find it SO refreshing at the end of the day to plug into my CD's, computer, XM...what have you and just jam out to the perfect song. They are all perfect, all envoking different feelings, relating to different scenarios, drumming up different memories. I love dancing with Shannon. I remember when we were expecting Trinity, he would come home from work, put on the radio, and when THAT song came on, we would dance. I would stand on his feet...just rocking back and forth to the beat. Alison Krauss...we would dance to her all the time. Or, or, the Beatles, the slow stuff...Bob Marley. I love music. It is SOOO good for the soul. I love sharing all genres of music with my kids. It's great to know that they have heard and appreciated music from Blondie to Crosby Stills and Nash...I enjoy seeing how happy they both are when THAT song comes up for them. So, do it...share music with your kids, with your ears, heart and mind to new music, it's so fun.

Man, she is funny

Trinity cracks me up...constantly. Just about everything that comes out of her mouth makes me laugh...and when she is mad, I am sure that really pisses her off, I know it does me when I am a mad..but, I have to laugh at her. She is so darn cute. Today we were driving home and she was rambling on about bugs and yada yada, then I had said something about a ladybug and used the word "she" then I corrected myself (always trying to be PC LOL..not really) but I said "Or perhaps he, you never really know with bugs." She replies,

T -"You know you can tell's easy."
Me - "Really, how?"
T - "Simple *she likes this word lately...simple and FABULOUS are her two fav words.* "Simple, you just look underneath them."
Me - *smirking, because I already know where this is going...* "What's underneath??"
T - "Well *because she starts off REALLY important statements with a WELL* "Well, you just look underneath, and if it's a boy...there's a wenis, and if there's a girl..well, you know what there is."
Me - *just to be silly, laughing* "NO...WHAT???? What is there???"
T - *crossing arms and scowling at me...* "MAMA!"

Then when I was speaking with his therapist today, I told her that little t was a bit off today...I used the phrase that really best describes his state..."In another world". Then I overhear Trinity telling one of her "therapy friends" as she calls them, that her brother is "Going to another planet." I was cracking up so hard that water came out of my nose. She was so matter of fact about it and serious and the funniest part is that the "therapy friend" who is also autistic just took it for the gospel, *looking SO intensly and seriously at T* "Oooh, wow." Autistic kids ar hilarious...It was great.

I can't make this stuff up...this is a daily occurance. We go back and forth about silliest of things and it is wonderfully funny bantor. I enjoy her so much. She brings a smile to my face and a flutter to my heart on a minute by minute basis. Sometimes she is so smart though that I want to choke her...but, we won't ruin this sappy story with all that.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Random Thoughts and worries in this CRAZY head of mine....

So, today at the dinner table, I sat and listened to Trinity and Shannon talking, Trinity talking to me, Shannon talking to me...Tristan sitting painfully quiet. I realized that he hasn't said ANY new words lately. He has been just that..painfully quiet. I can't even begin to tell you what it feels like to think and dwell upon the idea that your son may never formulate original speech. Spontaneous words that we so take for granted, "please" "thank you" "mama" "I love you"..."hello" "bye" far all the talking that Tristan has done has been upon our, essentially, he is copying words that he hears. I try everyday to remain positive and know that he will catch up, but, I gotta tell is one of my days. I am having my DOWN day. SO, here I am, I am going to be in my little hole for a bit and then I will pull myself out. I feel a little trapped down here. I feel almost suffocated..I want so badly to help him get out of his "place"...but sometimes I don't think he understands me. It is maddening. I want to just open up all the doors where he has locked himself away and crawl in there for a minute. I wish I knew what it was that he is thinking. Do you think he thinks about me? Do you think he understands what I am saying to him? I want to believe that he does. That he really is just going to catch up. So, lets do me out of this hole for a second....ah, there we go. *dusting myself off* Tristan is going to catch up. He WILL talk on his own when he is GOOD and READY and fuck anyone that tries to say otherwise, including his mama. Thanks for listening, I won't go down there again for a while, but, when I do...because you know I will...please listen again.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A Few More of my Favorite Things!

Lemons - They are really underestimated and undervalued. They have amazing antibacterial properties and are ALL NATURAL. Did you know that lemons PREVENT strains of influenza?? You could completely avoid unecessarily exposing you and your children to nasty flu shots if you just have a little lemon on hand. It is a great body cleanse if taken on an empty stomach with water and honey...I do this in the AM. They are next to free if you plant a tree. You can use lemon for eating, marinating, skin exfoliation, disenfecting, sterilizing, and making your home smell SO summery fresh. Take a few leaves off of the tree, crumple them in your hand and boil them in a simmer pot. Try will like it!

Vitamin B12 - This vitamin has helped my son in so many ways, I can't even begin to tell you. When we started supplementing, we noticed a language spurt RIGHT AWAY. Granted, you can't understand half of what it is he is trying to say, BUT, he is trying...and repeating cyllabuls...I know I botched that...anyway. Tristan take a supplement called MPB and it is amazing. Its main ingredient is the B12. A ton of Autistic children recieve B12 shots, and now I know why...this vitamin works. I take it too and it does give my brain a boost of energy when I am feeling like I have another case of "The Mondays".

My Dyson Vaccuum Cleaner...*que the angel music* IT ROCKS! I have to admit, I was a skeptic, I thought..."Why would ANYONE pay upwards of $500 for a vaccuum????" Now I know. That Swedish Dyson guy really means it when he says it NEVER loses suction. The carpet feels so soft and fresh when I vaccuum it. I love to vaccuum...I am enjoying typing the word is my way of unwinding. The wonderful thing about the model I have is that it purifies the air as you are cleaning! PURIFIES THE AIR! All Dyson's are certified asthma and allergy friendly. It actually makes it cleaner than when you first started, that my friends is worth $500....We have the Model DC-17 Asthma and is a lovely shade of outerspace blue and BOY, does it rock my world.

Organic Hemp / Bamboo - I LOVE the fact that both of these materials are grown with minimal amounts of water and labor. They are the epitomy of sustainable. Fabrics in Hemp and Bamboo are naturally anti-microbial, are PERFECT for organic toys for children as they are not treated with pesticides and smell divine. They are pricier, but, in the long run, it is SO worth it. I made a blanket for Trinity and backed it with Organic Bamboo YUMMY soft.

Britax - WOWZA is all I have to say. They are amazing manufacturers of safety products. Specifically I am talking about the Britax Marathon. I love this seat. My daughter has been in one since she was 8 months old (rear facing of course) and we have 4 total (2 in the Burb and 2 in the Magnum). They are super soft and gushy, have AMAZING safety ratings and can harness up to 65 lbs! That is HUGE considering my 10 year old neice is only like 70 lbs. If you wanted a seat that lasts even longer, the Regeant harnesses to 80lbs. We plan on keeping the kiddos in them until they reach the limit, and yes, that means if they are 7 or 8. Check out this video, and you will understand why.

More to come when I have a free second!!! Stay tuned.

I really love him

I love my husband. I can't say it or think it enough. I really adore him. He is so patient, so kind, funny, energetic, strong, sexy, amazingly smart, awesome, organized, driven, earthy, spiritual, happy....I love being around him. He really does bring out the best in me.

During these past 2 1/2 weeks, there were/are times when I fall apart...literally, like collapse to the ground. He is there, picking me up. He cries with me, he holds me, he loves me and I feel so safe and sound. I love how devoted he is to our family and our relationship. I am going to dote on him a bit here, because he deserves it.

I don't know if you all know, but he does A LOT. He works full time so I can stay home. He drives 40+ miles ONE way to work everyday in that stinkin' rush hour Arizona traffic and puts in 10 hours at his job. He comes home HAPPY and with a smile EVERYDAY. He kisses the kiddos first thing and usually lets Trinity help him drive the car into the garage. He calls me any free chance he has at work, and we chat...we love talking to each other still...even after 14 years together, I could talk with him on the phone or whatever all the time.

He does the dishes, laundry, bathes the kiddos and helps clean the house. He enjoys helping because our family is built upon the foundation that we are equal. No one person has a set responsibility, we both do everything we can to make everyone happy. If you have never had a chance to see him with our children, well, lets just say...Father of the Year award goes to.....He is amazing, and anyone who has met him will agree. Whenever we are invited to parties, events where other families will be there, he ALWAYS ends up with the kids jumping all over him, playing and shouting "Do it again..Pick me up...Watch me Shannon" competing for his attention. He loves to play. He is a big kid. I love it.
He doesn't drink, not a drop, never has. I admire this about him SO much. People think he is a recovering alcoholic or something, but what it is is so much more. He doesn't drink because A) He doesn't like the way it tastes. B) He views his body as a temple, and one that should be treated with respect, so nothing goes in that would compromise that. C) He does not want to be altered in ANY sense. D) Trinity views him as her role model, and what type of a hero would he be if he was inebriated while his very aware 4 year old daughter watched? How do you explain, drinking is bad for you, you shouldn't drink....but let me have another. I admire him. I want to be like him when I grow up. Thank you Shannon for ALWAYS being solid and true. You are an amazing human to which our world is more world is more complete because you are in it...

1 day at a time...going on forever

So, it's been a 2 1/2 weeks since my Grandmother's still hurts really bad. Seeing my mother so saddened by it hurts even worse. I love my mom so much, and to think that she is in any amount of pain is unbearable for me. I want to just take the pain away, but I am feeling it too. I can't imagine how it will feel when she passes and I don't want to...but I can't help but think about it when someone so close to you dies. I miss her.

Cammie has been gone for 1 week now, it is really taking a toll on us emotionally. She was such a wonderful companion. She was sweet and never put up a fight on anything. She smelled good. She gave the BEST kisses, I miss those kisses...We picked up her ashes yesterday, that was hard, I couldn't go in...I had to have Shannon get them, it's still too painful to be in that office again. They did such a nice job, they included a name plaquard and everything...still unsure what we are going to do with the remains. I mean, on one hand, you want them to have a final resting place, but, on the other, she loved being with us....then you think, it's only her physical remains, and her spirit is already gone...but we as human beings are so connected to what we can see and is hard to let that go you know?

On a side note, she has been visiting us. She had a favorite blanket that she would suck on, yes, suck on. It was really cute...and annoying all in the same breath. I would put the blanket up, folded neatly, she would come up behind me and pull it down. Well, the day she died, I put her blanket up for one last time, it was still on the floor from before I took her in to the vet. I took a short nap on the sofa that she loved to sit on and look out the window, then, when I awoke, there it was, close to the couch all spread out how she normally had it. Then I heard her coming up the stairs, she had asthma and would breath like she was climbing Mt. Everest everytime she ascended the stairs to our room. The night after she passed, all was quiet, and very faintly, we hear her panting. I miss you Cam, so much.

Trinity, on touchy and deep subjects....

On Death and Caring for her brother
"Mommy, a long time from now, when you die, then Daddy dies, and I die, who is going to take care of Tristan?"

On Time
"If Yesterday was Today, then would Today be Tomorrow?"

On Autism
I was talking with the neighbor and Tristan and Trinity were outside with me. Tristan is getting better, but he still has NO fear of running out into the street. He kept trying to down off the curb and Trinity kept herding him back to the sidewalk with me. The neighbor, to whom I have just met, says teasingly, but still..rudely..."Oooh, what a naughty boy...look at him, he isn't even listening to you." Trinity responds "He's a good boy, he just has Autism. It's ok Tristan, here, let me help you." Way to go Trin, she is wiser than many people 10 times her age.

To Cammie
We were leaving the store and it was starting to get dark, she says while looking up in the sky, "Goodnight Cammie, have fun jumping on the clouds and playing with the stars."

On Euthenasia
T - "Mommy, I thought that God takes us to Heaven?"

Me - "Youre right baby, he does."

T- "Then why did we have to make Cammie go to Heaven?"


Thursday, June 12, 2008

More and More

So, As I had blogged before, Tristan's therapist is worried about his progress. I get a call from AZ State Dept. of Health, it's my DDD Coordinator. Apparently they want to get him re-evaluated for Long Term Care, Tristan's OT is concerned now that we are looking at regression in his Autism. WHAT? Am I completely blinded by my motherly instincts that I just imagined he was progressing? I am at a loss on this one. I thought that he had been doing well, he had been making more appropriate eye contact. He had been having more original and spontaneous speech...albeit one word here or there, it was better than NO words. His Speech Therapist is happy with his progress, having NOTHING but good things to say. I am so confused. Could she be off? I mean, maybe he is having behaviours with her? I am so so so confused. I want there to be a day that I go into therapy, and after his session they come out and say..."WOW, he did _____ perfect 100%~ He is coming such a long way!!!" Because I SEE that. I know how hard he is working, how he WANTS to be talking. Who wants to be locked inside of themselves at the mercy of others to try and translate what they need? Who wants to be stagnant, with no progress? I know he doesn't. I talk to Tristan all the time, telling him how much I love him and know that he is doing all that he can. I know he understands me. I can see it in his eyes. I just wish that everyone else could too.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Goodbye my little one...

Cammie Belle Gray Shadow Hydeman
June 12, 1999 - June 11, 2008

Today was a very difficult day for us. We had to say goodbye to Cammie, our youngest Weim. (aside from Layla of course). Cammie started getting lethargic 3 days ago, she stopped eating entirely 2 days ago, and refused food, water, potty today. She seemed so uncomfortable and was having trouble breathing (she was diagnosed with Asthma at birth, but has always known her limits.) I thought MAYBE she got into something, maybe it was Valley Fever, I know this is going around right now. I thought we would take her in, get some blood work, maybe an IV for dehydration, then antibiotics and back home.

They did an xray, bloodwork and total workup. The doctor came back with a grim look on her face. She proceeded to show me the xrays. Apparently Cammie does not have asthma, rather a hernia that has somehow caused her organs to shift and move into the space where her heart lives. Over the years the organs would move up (this would show as an asthma attack) then move down, and she would be fine. Well, they moved up and got stuck, causing her breathing to really become labored. We thought she may have been coming down with a little cold. I had no idea it was so involved. She proceeds to tell me that to do a surgery would require tens of thousands of dollars, a specialist and we would have to move on it right away. She then said, and I will never forget the sinking feeling when she said it, she said "She probably wouldn't make it through the process"......I am so sick feeling, numb and sad. Shannon was at work, luckily Albert came to keep Tristan busy. I asked him to take Trinity out for a walk, the last thing Trin says is "Cammie is going to be alright, right mama...right mama???" At this point I hadn't cried yet, but as soon as she left the room, I fell to the floor. How do I do this? How is it that I have to decide this? I just can't see how it is fair that this decision be placed into a person's hands. I called Shannon and told him the news, he was a shocked as I was. He got off work to come.

Then comes the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do as a mother so far. Explain to my 4 year old that her dog has to go to Heaven. She asks me how? Doesn't God do that? Why mama? and her lip is quivering...her chin is scrunching up and her eyes are welled with tears. I tell her that she needs to go to Heaven now, and that she is going to be in a better place. She lets out a cry that I can't even think about....and hugs her Cammie. I fall to peices. Albert falls to peices. Shannon finally arrives and it's the same thing, all over...we are just so sad. We decided that we wanted to be around her when she went to sleep, we all just hugged her, kissed her and let her know how much we adore her and the time we have been blessed to spend with her.

Cammie was Shyanne's baby, she had a litter of 7 and only 3 survived. Since their birth BOTH of Cammies siblings passed...she was the last surviving child. I felt so saddened since they didn't get to say goodbye. I just took her to the doctor, and didn't even think to have them say goodbye. Both Dakota (Cammie's dad) and Shyanne are a miserable mess. They know. Shy sniffed towards the door for about an hour after we came home as if to say, "Where is my little girl?? You took her out, why didn't she come back?"

Tomorrow would be her 9th birthday. She was such a good little girl. Cammie were an amazing companion, such a loving and sweet dog. I don't think that in this lifetime I will ever meet another animal such as mild mannered and wonderful as you. You will be missed and forever in our hearts.