My wishes and hopes for Trinity and Tristan

I WISH.......

...that you will ALWAYS feel loved

...that you will forever feel comfortable in your own skin

...that you will never compromise your integrity

...that as the years pass, you will have remembered my deep love & adoration for your father

...that you will be happy and healthy

...that you will laugh many times a day

...that you will know God, in any way that makes you feel fulfilled, but, that you will have that relationship with Him

...that you will stand strong for your convictions, whatever they may be

...that you will ALWAYS be mindful of others feelings

...that you will ALWAYS be mindful of your feelings

...that you will celebrate often....anything that makes you feel like celebrating

...that you will find all the happiness that this life can afford you

...that you will cry without fear of ridicule

...that you will love without fear of judgment

...that you will never allow money to become THE priority in your life

...that when the time comes that I am no longer around physically, that you will have remembered me as a loving, happy and gentle mother

...that you will fulfill every dream that you have ever had

...that when you have the chance to wish on stars, rainbows, 4 leaf clovers and eyelashes...that you do it, and believe in your wishes

...that you learn what real love is and hold tight to it

...that you take chances

...that you will see the trees rushing by, the wind in your hair and the sky blue as ever all the while laying in the back of an old pickup truck driving down a long dirt road

...that you will find and keep a best friend for life

...that you will make up your own language and maybe even share it with me

...that you will hold tight to your dreams...really believe in them, and make them a reality

...that you will have children of your own one day

...that you will take care of each other...that you will stand up for and protect one another always remaining as close as you are now...if not closer

...that you will respect yourself

...that you will recall all the great memories from your childhood and share them with your children

...that you will take each day as it comes, soaking it all in, enjoying the life that is yours

...that you will appreciate your freedom and understand what others have given up for you to have it

...that you will enjoy coming home and being with your family

..that you will find your connection to with the Earth, nature and everything she has to offer us

...that you will always know that we love you...more than anything

Me and You....

...and You and Me....T n t, will always be! The best of friends, they really are, and I am so greatful of how she loves him, protects him, and is proud of him. I love how he kisses her goodnight, every night and before nap. I love that they are so close. As you can see from the picture, he is almost the same height as his big sis...I mean, how much more can he grow!!!

Thrift Store, How do I love thee???

Let me count the ways

1) For the lovely Dutch Apron that you gave me...a bargain at $1

2) For the even more lovely shirt apron that you gave my daughter....

3) And the sweet little pockets that adorn it

4) For these 6 plates from my childhood and the memories that accompanied them....so many yummy meals presented on those simple white plates splattered with avocado green flowers. I can't think of a better way to spend .49cents

5) And the way that they make my fresh berries feel happy

So, favorite thrift store of mine, I love thee SOOOO many times over! Thank you for all the wonderful finds!!!

1 Year of Autism...a look back

January 15th marked our 1 year Anniversary of Tristan's diagnosis. I can't believe it has already been a year...it seems like it's been 3 ! I can tell you, as a single person, I have experienced more emotions in this one year than I have my entire life, and no, I am not being overdramatic. As a family, we have morphed and changed and become stronger than ever imaginable. As a mother, I have challenged myself in ways I would have never imagined, and have come out the victor. I always knew that motherhood would be the most difficult and rewarding job ever..but I had no idea that I would ever have to deal with something like this. I pray everyday that we stay happy and healthy, and so far...so good.

When we first heard the words "Your son has Autism", in that moment, I was ok. Maybe it was a delayed form of denial, but, I told the doctors and therapists that I already knew. Sure, a part of me did know that SOMETHING was wrong, we all did. Having a background in Habilitation and worked with autistic children before, I was keen to the fact that he did share some of the characteristics associated with the disorder, but really...did I think he had it, no. It took about a week to sink in, and when it did, I got angry, I shut down, I stopped answering the phone, and I look back now and realize that I may have lost a few friendships due to it (for those friends that have hung in there with us through this, I love you, and thank you). When things go astray, I have a tendancy to close all the doors and windows in our life and hope that it will just blow over...we all know that the winds continue to pass by us, but, over the past year, I have slowly started to crack the windows open more and more, and have allowed others to help us, even when I wanted to stick my head in the ground and hide.

There are days that are really good, and I love those days...I soak up those days with all my heart, and I try to track every moment in the virtual journal that is my brain. I watch and laugh, I cry with tears of joy in the remarkable ability that both of my children have to love. I hug and tickle and run around like a drunk woman playing "I'm Gonna Get You!"...then, there are the other days. The days that I don't get dressed, the days that I wear the same outfit over and over. The days that I don't shower, or even eat. These are the days that I try to forget. These are the days that I cringe to think about and my heart sinks with saddness for the backward steps that we have taken. I cry sad tears...angry tears and hope that it will all just go away, that I can just go away. That is all I will talk about in regards to THOSE days...because I don't like those days, they suck.

Autism has changed us in the sense that it has made us stronger, smarter, more compassionate, more patient, open to change, accepting of differences. It has opened our hearts to recovery. Autism has made me an even stronger advocate for my children and other children alike.

My marriage, I am happy to report, has weathered this storm....we have had some bumps in the road, but never have we swayed in the our undying love for one another or our commitment to our family and our relationship. You know when you first have a baby, and they are new and sweet...but, then at night, they are up all night, crying, screaming, and after about 5 days, you are both so sleep deprived to enjoy anything else having to do with anything other than the new baby....yeah, that's what Autism is like. Having a child with special needs challenges you in so many ways, and finding that balance becomes even more of a creative process. We are good though, we continue to talk, we love, we stay connected, even through it all...I am so thankful to have such a loving and caring husband to father my children...so lucky.

So where are we now? Tristan is currently recieving OT / Speech / Physical Therapy / Early Intervention / the beginning of Biomedical Interventions / and pretty soon ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis). We are hopeful that I won't have to write "Autism - 4 years later"...as we are praying that he will recover by then. I believe that he will recover, with my whole heart, it's just a matter of time. For now, we take it day by day, we laugh, we act crazy, you have to have a sense of humor with it all....we will continue to fight for Tristan, to get him all the help that he needs and to always keep in our mind and hearts what we are fighting for, I'll never stop.

If you would like more information on Autism or how to help, visit http://www.talkaboutcuringautism.org/

#95 Pray Daily for Someone I don't get along with....DONE

I do this regularily anyway, with the exception of one person....so, this was a tinge difficult for me. I prayed for a person that I really do not get along with...come to think of it, no one in my families gets along with said person. So, I pray...diligently and with true meaning, and you know what? I feel so much better about it. Feeling ill towards someone is extremely tiresome, draining and a waste of time and energy. So...pray for someone, anyone, and especially someone you normally wouldn't!

Autism Sites

I have a list of favorite sites for information on Autism...wether it be teaching children with autism, speech disorders, biomedical interventions, supplements, DAN! Doctors, Diet information....etc. I wanted to put it all in one place, and, if someone out there benefits from a site they may not have known about, then GREAT!!! Here you go...my favorite Autism Sites and more.

Teach2Talk (Really cool videos, we just purchased ours, I will let you know what Tristan thinks)
GF Meals
SuperNUThera - Kirkman Labs
Syndion - For Children with Food Sensitivities and inadequate glutathione levels
I'm Tired of SOMETHING - ANYTHING, for me....it's AUTISM (A great cause...all purchases, HALF go to Generation Rescue, an organization that donates money to families that cannot afford to pay for the Biomedical Treatments their children so desperately need...AKA...OUR FAMILY.)
Green Our Vaccines (Set up to raise awareness that 36 vaccinations in the first few years of life is "too many too soon," that known toxic ingredients need to be removed from vaccines, and that Autism, ADHD and other neurological disorders are not acceptable collatoral damage from the vaccine program.)
Signing Times (Tristan and Trinity's FAVORITE educational videos of ALL time!)
TACA (Talking About Curing Autism)
Autism Siblings (Helping find bliss in Autism Siblings)
Autism Speaks
PECS (Information on the Picture Exchange Communication Systems a program that we have started with Tristan)

Family and Friends Photo Shoot BONANZA!

For the new year, I am gifting to my family and friends, a photo shoot for a HUGE reduction of the regular amount. I will have 4 seperate shoot days in Verrado (email me for dates). You will recieve all your shots on a disc (30 minute photo shoot) and I will edit 25 of my favorites for $50! Let me know if you are interested, spots are filling up fast!!! Can't wait to see you all.

#27 - Start Trinity in a Preschool Program...DONE!

We visited Trinity Lutheran Church and School last Monday and were blown away by the amount of love that poured out of that classroom. As some of you may remember, Trinity started school last year as a Kinder, 1 year early, and had a bad experience. Well, this was not a re-run...at all. The class carries a religious undertone, God and Jesus are talked about during the duration of the class, and they are introduced to bible stories and prayer. The teacher is a mother herself and so amazingly patient. I enjoy that she allows us to come and go as we please, and welcomes more parents to do so. The children are all so well behaved, and she even has a friend that she has grown up with in her class. TATUM!

We dropped her off early today, and stayed for about half an hour. She was moving from station to station and Shan, Tristan and I just stayed in the shadows, allowing her to do her own thing. She didn't look to us for approval, just kept on going at her own pace. It was so refreshing to see her in her element, learning, smiling, laughing, playing with other children. I just adore seeing her happy!

She made a new little friend in class. She and the new girl were playing with dolls when I overheard part of their conversation...it was so sweet and endearing and it went something like this.

Girl: "Did you want to be my friend??"
T: "Of course I will be your friend, my name is Trinity."
Girl: "Good, because....*pause*...I don't really have any friends, no one wants to be MY friend."
T: "*smiles and looks right at the little girl* Well, guess what?"
Girl: "Hmm?"
T: "I'm your friend now. Come on, lets play!!"

It made my heart sing. I have always known her to be compassionate, but, this was such an amazing act of love and friendship, it truly touched my soul.

The time came for Tristan to go to Therapy, so, we told her we had to leave, and honestly, I felt no apprehension. I wasn't afraid that she was going to cry, I could feel how comfortable she was there. We took off and came back in 2 hours, only to find she didn't even miss us! For a child that has suffered from serious seperation anxiety, what an accomplishment! I was elated. We just waited until school was out and came in a few minutes early to sit with her. She had such a great time.

I am very overjoyed that we have found such an amazing school, and one that she truly enjoys going to. On the car ride home she says "Mama, I want to have school EVERYDAY!" and then follows it with "Is this what school is really like mama??? If so, then I LOVE school."

PICTURES COMING!!!!

She is free to do as she wishes

I am watching as my daughter goes racing down the street in her rollerblades. Despite my reservations, she decides to tackle the VERY BIG hill and goes full force, arms spread eagle and head facing the sun. She is elated...I, however, am TERRIFIED. I don't show her that I am scared, but, I want to scream from the top of my lungs "TRINITY....BE CAREFUL!!!!" As a mother, we want to shelter our children from harm, we want to keep their safety as a number one priority, but, at times, we can be stiffling without even knowing it. I let her take the big hill, even knowing that she may fall and hurt herself. But truthfully, I don't think I had a choice in the matter...she already decided that she would do this...staring down the fact that she could tumble and fall...she was free to do as she wished.

When I was pregnant I wondered when that day would come. When my child would start making very important decisions on her own. When she would weigh in the consequences and even with the obvious variables, do what she wanted. Today was that day for me...for her. I am happy to say, she didn't fall...no, she did quite the opposite, she raced...very quickly down the hill and kept her composure, she didn't scream or get scared, she stayed in control. You should have seen her face when we got to the bottom. The pride that was strewn across that precious apple shaped face will forever be embedded into my memory. When we have another day that parallels this one, I hope to look back and remember that triumph for her...I had a tiny hand in it, even though ultimately, she was free to do as she wished.

101 Things in 1001 Days

Sounds interesting enough right? A good friend of mine is tackling this and I thought, hey, why not! The idea is to make a clear and concise list of "to do's" for your life and to get them crossed off in a certain time frame. Why 1001 days you ask? Simple, because it's realistic. Why set goals for yourself that pressure or stress you out? The idea is to make it attainable and so, 1001 days it is. Here is my list of "to do's". Make one for yourself, and start crossing the things off! In no particular order...here we go.

1) Go to bed by 9PM for 1 week straight
2) Go on a Cruise
3) Take the kids to a recycling facility
4) Volunteer at an Animal Shelter
5) Volunteer at a Food Bank
6) Have another baby
7) Make a Full Size Quilt for Trinity out of her old baby clothes and blankets
8) Go to an opera
9) Take the kids to White Lake SD to see my Grandfather and visit my Grandmother's grave
10) Dance in the rain
11) Make paper from dryer lint
12) Scrapbook my kiddos lives (get it all organized!)
13) Organize my sewing closet - DONE! 02/06/09
14) Be more daring with my woredrobe
15) Convert the ENTIRE house to eco-friendly products
16) Teach Trinity to tell time
17) Potty Train Tristan
18) Go to a dermatologist
19) Get my teeth whitened
20) Get better advertisement for my photography studio
21) Move closer to town
22) Eat snow
23) Get rid of my old clothes that I KNOW I will never wear
24) Get my wedding dress drycleaned and boxed
25) Get a pedicure
26) Get a massage
27) Start Trinity in a preschool program - DONE! 01/2009
28) Get family pictures done...we me actually IN them!
29) Make fresh bread once a week
30) Go through the kids toys and rotate them out
31) Make a budget....actually write one down in a book
32) Plant a garden
33) Start a compost pile
34) Take Tristan to Disneyland
35) SIMPLIFY (I know...broad, but, I get it)
36) Sell our computer desk
37) Sell our Armoire in the playroom
38) Have the kids go through their toys and donate what they don't play with anymore
39) Make "kid art" on a large canvas for the house
40) Do a "Things they like 2009" list and write on large canvas
41) Make a photobook with my favorite photos
42) Payoff the truck
43) Work on signing with Tristan
44) Get new white dishes an donate the old ones
45) Campout in the backyard
46) Buy new panties....not that I don't have any, just want some nicer ones! - DONE! 02/06/09
47) Read the bible
48) Buy wood toys in lieu of battery operated
49) Take the dogs to the park 5 times a week
50) Have a Ladies Tea Party with my best girlfriends
51) Renew our vowes on our 10 year anniversary
52) Play my flute again
53) Make the kids felt food
54) Learn to knit
55) Start meditating on a regular basis again
56) Go scuba diving
57) Eat at an Indian Cuisine Resturaunt
58) Go to Hawaii
59) Go surfing
60) Fill out that Heirloom Recipe Book that I bought for myself 2 years ago!
61) Make a waldorf doll
62) Go on a date with Shannon
63) Take a nap
64) Visit the states we want to move to in the near future NC, CO, VA, KY
65) Have one day with no modern technology at all...camping at home if you will
66) Have a "sleep over" with Trinity in her room...girls only
67) Get my camera professionally cleaned
68) Surprise Shannon at work one day
69) Work out on a more consistent basis
70) Start wearing my retainer
71) Make a book about me for the kids
72) Update our Living Will
73) Take the kids to a nursing home to volunteer our time
74) Go see Cirque de Soliel
75) Eat at a really nice resturaunt
76) Take pictures of and biography 12 strangers
77) Write a children's book for the kiddies
78) Slow dance with Shannon at least once a week
79) Perform 20 random acts of kindness
80) Help Trinity with a Lemonade Stand
81) Enlarge some of my favorite pictures of the kids for framing
82) Enlarge some of my favorite pictures of the dogs for framing
83) Record the lullaby I sing to the kids and put on a disc for both of them
84) Steam clean the carpet
85) Take my mom out to lunch
86) Write a letter to someone and MAIL not EMAIL it
87) Teach Trinity about "pen pals"
88) Set up a Nature Table
89) Make a fort
90) Go to a concert
91) Have a weekly family game night
92) Get my meal plan set up
93) Figure out a realistic cleaning schedule and stick to it for 1 month *hopefully longer!*
94) Get rid of those boxes in the garage from my college days
95) Pray daily (for a week) for someone that I don't get along with
96) Set up a camera and monitor my activities and dealings with the kids for 1 day (I have ALWAYS wanted to do this...kind of a Big Brother idea, you know, we don't always see ourselves until we SEE ourselves.)
97) Buy myself a really nice bra
98) Invite my neighbors over for dinner
99) Teach Trinity how to make my mom's lasagna
100) Let Trinity pick out her outfit everyday for a week
101) Update my layout on blogger

Christmas Post is Coming

I just wanted everyone to know to know that I am working on uploading the Christmas pictures! Stay tuned!!!!

She said "LITERALLY"

Why is Trinity so smart? I don't think I am that smart...I mean, I am bright and all, but she is really, really smart. We were watching something on Animal Planet...I was amazed by what I saw and started the conversation with this:

Me: "Oh my gosh!"
T: "You can say that again."
Me: *feeling a little gradeschool* "Oh my gosh!"
T: "Mama, I didn't mean it literally...it was just a joke."
Me: *feeling very small* "Geesh...humor me alright??!"
T: *with a eye roll and a sweet smile* "MAAAAMMMAA...*pats me on the shoulder* it' ok."

It's all about perspective

Today is a good day. I feel a renewed sense of strength to continue on this path to recovery for Tristan. You know when you have those "A HA" moments? I had one today. And it led me to this post. It's all about perspective.

There have been days that I truly feel robbed of a "normal" son, days that I feel "Why us??? Why do we have this???" but then I remember, we were given this for a reason, and we are not given more than we can handle. This diagnosis has taught me that. I also know that Tristan is still my little boy, despite his autism. He is the same little boy that I gave birth to...the same little boy that loves us all unconditionally. I adore him, and want only the best for him and us.....and that means continuing to fight for him and fight for his recovery.

We have a rap sheet list full of tests that we have to get done for him in the coming weeks / months. He has to have a Thyroid Test (which are actually a series of 3 blood tests), CBC, Celiac Panel, RAST Test and another that I can't think of without looking at the order...I feel sad for little t. There are days that I feel like he is the one that is being robbed...his childhood thus far has consisted of doctors visits, specialists visits, weekly therapies and all different people coming in and out of his life..to test him, to evaluate him, to find out what he is and is not capable of. What about just being a kid??? What about Saturday morning cartoons?

I feel guilty. There are days that I feel guilty for taking him to therapy and all these doctors visits. It's exhausting, for all of us. BUT, then I jump back out of my pity party hole and realize the lengths that he has come since having said therapies. I realize that he is growing and learning, and he is happy. PERIOD. Despite all of this crap that he has to deal with day in and day out, the kid is one of the happiest that I have met.

He loves therapy...LOVES it. He enjoys meeting all these "different" people coming in and out of his life...he gets to meet other kiddos that are similiar to him. So, basically it is all about perspective. I have to change my perspective. I think I have had a sunny outlook on this most of the time, and I am proud to say that I have never felt embarassed or ashamed of him. I am so proud to be his mama, despite the outward differences that some may see. I look how he looks at me, and our eyes connect and in that moment I know that he understands me...I talk to him like I do Trinity, and though no words are spoken, his eyes speak volumes. I hope that others will get to know him. I hope that people can be patient and wait for his words, because, they are coming...I can feel it.