Random Thoughts in this crazy mind of mine....

So, I sit here at the computer...it's 12:30ish AM and I am exhausted and can't sleep. My insomnia is back, YIPPIE *note the sarcasm*....I am thinking again...oh no...when I get in my head, it is SOOO terribly hard to pull myself out. I am fearful. I am worrisome. I am scared. My biggest, or at least one of my MANY biggest fears is that t is taken advantage of because of his inability to communicate. It has been KILLING me thinking about it. I actually think I may try and get some help. I am feeling really depressed lately, and I just want to feel normal again, whatever that is. I never thought I would become "that mom" but sometimes, I feel it urking up on me. I find myself consumed with the conversations of autism. I stay up late...googling all that I can to learn more and try and be the best advocate for my son that I can be. In the midst of all of this, I feel sometimes...and I can't believe I am going to share this with you....I feel that I may be neglecting my other 2 very important people in my life..Shannon and Trinity. I just want so much to be whole...does that make any sense? I know SO many parents have it SO much harder...I don't deserve to be feeling sorry for myself.

In the midst of this cloud I have to share some wonderful news. We were approved for Long Term Care!!! This is H U G E. It means there are so many more therapies and resources at our fingertips. It means that little t does not have to give up his therapies when he starts preschool...it means if I decide to homeschool him, he can still have ST / OT / PT and more! It means Respite. The true definition of respite is this : A BRIEF INTERVAL OF REST OR RELIEF. We are approved for 720 hours of respite by a provider that we get to interview. They will come to the house, on trips if we need help, to doctor's appointments where I would have needed Shannon to take off...it is huge. On those days when I can't even go to the bathroom without worrying if t is getting up on the table to hang on the light....I don't have to worry. Trinity gets to be a normal kid and do things with mommy again. She gets to just finish her coloring instead of "HURRY...go check on your brother!!! PLEASE!!!" She gets to be a kid, not her brother's keeper. I would pay a million dollars for that. We are all feeling so optimistic about this, that hopefully...my hole with start to be a bit closer to the surface. That hopefully, I can move on, move past and look forward at a rate that I am used to. I am hopeful. Please pray for us, pray that everything will happen as it should. Pray that we can find some solice and "normalcy" in our sometimes overwhelmingly crazy lives. Pray that I can find serenity. Thank you for reading...thank you for being here with me on this roller coaster of a ride that I lovingly call my journey. I love you all and appreciate your support.