1 Year of Autism...a look back

January 15th marked our 1 year Anniversary of Tristan's diagnosis. I can't believe it has already been a year...it seems like it's been 3 ! I can tell you, as a single person, I have experienced more emotions in this one year than I have my entire life, and no, I am not being overdramatic. As a family, we have morphed and changed and become stronger than ever imaginable. As a mother, I have challenged myself in ways I would have never imagined, and have come out the victor. I always knew that motherhood would be the most difficult and rewarding job ever..but I had no idea that I would ever have to deal with something like this. I pray everyday that we stay happy and healthy, and so far...so good.

When we first heard the words "Your son has Autism", in that moment, I was ok. Maybe it was a delayed form of denial, but, I told the doctors and therapists that I already knew. Sure, a part of me did know that SOMETHING was wrong, we all did. Having a background in Habilitation and worked with autistic children before, I was keen to the fact that he did share some of the characteristics associated with the disorder, but really...did I think he had it, no. It took about a week to sink in, and when it did, I got angry, I shut down, I stopped answering the phone, and I look back now and realize that I may have lost a few friendships due to it (for those friends that have hung in there with us through this, I love you, and thank you). When things go astray, I have a tendancy to close all the doors and windows in our life and hope that it will just blow over...we all know that the winds continue to pass by us, but, over the past year, I have slowly started to crack the windows open more and more, and have allowed others to help us, even when I wanted to stick my head in the ground and hide.

There are days that are really good, and I love those days...I soak up those days with all my heart, and I try to track every moment in the virtual journal that is my brain. I watch and laugh, I cry with tears of joy in the remarkable ability that both of my children have to love. I hug and tickle and run around like a drunk woman playing "I'm Gonna Get You!"...then, there are the other days. The days that I don't get dressed, the days that I wear the same outfit over and over. The days that I don't shower, or even eat. These are the days that I try to forget. These are the days that I cringe to think about and my heart sinks with saddness for the backward steps that we have taken. I cry sad tears...angry tears and hope that it will all just go away, that I can just go away. That is all I will talk about in regards to THOSE days...because I don't like those days, they suck.

Autism has changed us in the sense that it has made us stronger, smarter, more compassionate, more patient, open to change, accepting of differences. It has opened our hearts to recovery. Autism has made me an even stronger advocate for my children and other children alike.

My marriage, I am happy to report, has weathered this storm....we have had some bumps in the road, but never have we swayed in the our undying love for one another or our commitment to our family and our relationship. You know when you first have a baby, and they are new and sweet...but, then at night, they are up all night, crying, screaming, and after about 5 days, you are both so sleep deprived to enjoy anything else having to do with anything other than the new baby....yeah, that's what Autism is like. Having a child with special needs challenges you in so many ways, and finding that balance becomes even more of a creative process. We are good though, we continue to talk, we love, we stay connected, even through it all...I am so thankful to have such a loving and caring husband to father my children...so lucky.

So where are we now? Tristan is currently recieving OT / Speech / Physical Therapy / Early Intervention / the beginning of Biomedical Interventions / and pretty soon ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis). We are hopeful that I won't have to write "Autism - 4 years later"...as we are praying that he will recover by then. I believe that he will recover, with my whole heart, it's just a matter of time. For now, we take it day by day, we laugh, we act crazy, you have to have a sense of humor with it all....we will continue to fight for Tristan, to get him all the help that he needs and to always keep in our mind and hearts what we are fighting for, I'll never stop.

If you would like more information on Autism or how to help, visit http://www.talkaboutcuringautism.org/