Saturday, June 21, 2008
Random Thoughts and worries in this CRAZY head of mine....
So, today at the dinner table, I sat and listened to Trinity and Shannon talking, Trinity talking to me, Shannon talking to me...Tristan sitting painfully quiet. I realized that he hasn't said ANY new words lately. He has been just that..painfully quiet. I can't even begin to tell you what it feels like to think and dwell upon the idea that your son may never formulate original speech. Spontaneous words that we so take for granted, "please" "thank you" "mama" "I love you"..."hello" "bye"....so far all the talking that Tristan has done has been upon our prompting..so, essentially, he is copying words that he hears. I try everyday to remain positive and know that he will catch up, but, I gotta tell you..today is one of my days. I am having my DOWN day. SO, here I am, I am going to be in my little hole for a bit and then I will pull myself out. I feel a little trapped down here. I feel almost suffocated..I want so badly to help him get out of his "place"...but sometimes I don't think he understands me. It is maddening. I want to just open up all the doors where he has locked himself away and crawl in there for a minute. I wish I knew what it was that he is thinking. Do you think he thinks about me? Do you think he understands what I am saying to him? I want to believe that he does. That he really is just going to catch up. So, lets do that...help me out of this hole for a second....ah, there we go. *dusting myself off* Tristan is going to catch up. He WILL talk on his own when he is GOOD and READY and fuck anyone that tries to say otherwise, including his mama. Thanks for listening, I won't go down there again for a while, but, when I do...because you know I will...please listen again.
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5 comments:
You are such a good mama and you know that. You are doing everything you can possibly do for him. You are allowed to vent anytime you want. It's good for the soul. Keep doing an amazing job with him. You know I know other people dealing with autism and how they are handling it does not compare to how you are (and you know exactly who I am talking about). So keep up the good work. He's a lucky guy to have you and Shannon as parents :).
Just wanted to leave a hug.
*hugs*
It's scary to be down in that little hole. I have been there many times, not for the same reasons as you, but believe me when I say I have. Well, you know that I have. We all need our little hiding spots. As moms, we feel as though we can not show our vulnerabilities, as though we need to remain strong and resiliant at all costs. I love that you show yours. I love that you can get down in that hole, but without despair. You know there is a rope to pull yourself out. I can't pretend to know how you feel, how scary and helpless your world can be. But, you are doing me, your readers, such a service by letting us into your world. You have opened my eyes in the past year. Not everything is meant to be perfect in life, but with the right attitude and disposition it can be. Love you!
Jenn...Relax honey, relax. Breathe.
I used to mamyself sick over Mariah, like literally sick. I would stay up at night and worry, worry about her future. Now, I have learned to just love her and enjoy her.
We actually thought she was deaf at Tristan's age, her speech was so poor, and didn't speak much at all. Now....she has the best grammar, uses HUGE words, and is really a very intelligent little girl. We can't get her to stop talking and writing (we can't really understand the penmanship) stories! So, don't worry sweetheart, she was about three years old when she actually started talking, I was so worried.
Relax. He understands you. I know where you are, hugs, lots of them.
You guys rock. Thank you so much for all the support, it is a tricky little pickle to be in at times, so, it's nice to know that I have someone there who has walked the path or at least walked past it LOL!
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